Here if You Need Me

My dear friend and fellow chaplain, Wade, recommended a book on his blog: "Here If You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup.  Kate is a chaplain for the Maine Warden Service , and the book is a series of reflections on grief, loss, theology, and this thing we call chaplaincy.  It's one of those laugh and cry out loud book that I'll be recommending to everyone I know, especially clergy.  It was particularly poignant for me to read after my year in hospital chaplaincy, and it made me miss it a lot.  I'm happy that I'll be doing it again.

One of the laugh out loud moments was her description of one of her first search-and-rescues; how no one quite knew what to do with her, and she was relegated to sitting awkwardly for awhile in a folding chair, waiting to do "chaplain-y" things :-)  I remember my first few days (let's be honest: weeks) in the hospital; the staff there was at least used to having chaplains around, but most of the patients didn't know quite what to make of me.  I remember just wanting to throw up my hands in the air, laugh with them and say: "I don't know what to make of me, either!"  For a life-long problem solver, one of my life's greater ironies is that I've chosen a profession where the cardinal sin is trying to problem-solve.  I've elected to make my work a ministry of care and, ultimately, a ministry of presence.  The catch is that you have to learn how to be fully present with yourself before you can even start to be present with those whom you are trying to care for.  I'm a work in progress in that respect.

This book also helped me re-believe in the power of spiritual care.  Where, at worst, I felt useless as a chaplain, there were those moments were I was struck by how very useful I could be.  Especially when seemingly simple conversations were held up by patients as powerful spiritual moments for them.  I am continually reminded that God works through us all in mysterious ways, and I am no exception.  My time as a chaplain was full of those moments where I saw the movements of the Divine when I was bemoaning my lack of an ability to do anything at all.

I loved being a chaplain.  And those who know me and what went on for me last year know that its taken a lot for me to say and believe that.  But I do--I look forward to going back to this field.  And you should all read "Here If You Need Me."