Dive

I think I'm ready to be done with school. Scratch that: I KNOW I'm ready to be done with the school. Not because I think I know everything I need to do (and I still cringe when I think of the many things I feel like I *should* know 4 years into my seminary career), but because I am just DONE. I have "I've-been-in-school-my-whole-life"-itis. I am tired.

Yet, there is a little voice inside my head protesting "Savor this! Appreciate this! You will never have it again!" And I know it's true. When else in life will my "job" be to show up (in whatever state of cleanliness/presentability I choose), sit in a room with other interesting people and just, well, learn? That's kind of a sweet deal. I remember my friends in Goma, and try not to take my opportunities for granted. It's a discipline, but I will try not to squander my last year in academia.

And yet, I think it's a good tension that I'm feeling--I felt this very strongly when I came back from Goma, but I don't think God would be content with a bunch of ministers who are happy to stay in the classroom for the rest of their lives. I was that minister-to-be, up until last year even. I was not sick of school. I think this might be a good kick in the pants from God, giving me the motivation I need to leave the comforts of the academy and start trying my hand at this thing I've been theorizing about for 4 years now.

I feel like I've refined a personal art of surrender these last four years. With each road block that came my way, personally or professionally, I have made a habit it seems of throwing my hands up and just saying, "Really? You can have this" (admittedly: it is an alternately angry and reverent surrender :-) ). I think my spiritual "posture" these last four years has very much been of my arms outstretched into the air. When I think I about it now, it looks less like of a posture of defeat, or weariness. It looks more like a diver, poised to jump into the deep end.

So, maybe, I'm not weary with school, and where I am now. Maybe, after all the stretching and grieving and growing that these last four years have brought, I'm just ready to dive.