Forgiveness

"Holding onto resentment is like swallowing poison, and then expecting someone else to die." -Rev. Lynice Pinkard

God speaks loud and clear sometimes.  We may not be as fortunate as Daniel to see God's writing on a wall, or be like Moses and hear God speaking out of a bush--but that doesn't mean God isn't speaking.  God spoke to me today through the words of Rev. Pinkard.  They were not spoken to me or about me--but they happened to be spoken as I was sitting across the table from someone who hurt me, who angered me, someone who fractured our relationship through their actions and their mistakes.

"Dear God: I get it.  Love, Lindsey."

I've spent a lot of time being angry.  And I think that's important.  When people wrong us, or hurt us, it's appropriate to feel wronged and hurt.  It's appropriate for some relationships to end.  What isn't appropriate, I think, is to hold on to the anger for too long, so that it festers within us and blocks us from really knowing the God of radical love and grace.

I didn't feel any radical love and grace towards this person in the beginning.  At first, I felt like I was in junior high--passive aggressive behavior is what marked our first encounter in nearly a year.  But we got a second chance, and then it was better.  I had heard God speak, afterall; I realized my resentment wasn't getting me anywhere.

We didn't talk directly about anything on our second try at communication, but we didn't beat around the bush either.  Direct communication would've signified an attempt at reunion that is just not going to happen.  I was proud of myself, though; a past version of myself would've reacted very differently to this person's tears, their feelings of remorse unrelated to our relationship, and subtle hints at reconstructing a bond.  Me 2.0 was able to honor the grief without trying to participate in the healing; Me 2.0 was able to watch this person grieve and not reach out to hug them.

When we left, there was no promise of a future meeting.  There was no indication that things were better, even.  We simply said good-bye.  Again, this is something that a past version of me could never have done.   

People screw up.  Sometimes, those mistakes ruin relationships.  But resentment is a bitter pill to swallow--and it's not worth holding onto sometimes.  I hope that this is the beginning of me letting it go.