Back to Reality

Well, after 2 weeks of being on vacation in paradise, I'm happily re-adjusting to normal-person life.  Hawaii was incredible; all the time outside in such beautiful surroundings with family (biological and not) was healing.  And yet, I'm pleased with how little needs healing this year in comparison to last year--I feel like I'm getting to watch all those balls that have been up in the air slowly fall into place.  That is a comfort, but what is perhaps more comforting is that I don't feel as afraid of uncertainty as I once did.  I know full well that my life will take twists and turns I could never predict, and I am much more okay with that now than I was 3 years ago.  

In the vein of healing, my mother, Emily and I composed an impromptu ritual of our own while on the beach of Maui.  Per my mom's recommendation, we wrote down in the sand anything and everything that had ever caused us worry, and celebrated as we watched the waves overcome the simple words etched in the sand.  We giggled the whole time, but there was a depth to the silly victory we felt while watching our concerns literally being washed away.  And to witness it surrounded by family and friends--well, there isn't a word for the happiness that brings.

What I was surprised by was when my mother suggested to me "You forgot to write down K---- in the sand."  I had completely forgotten--and in that moment, I realized that I was moving on from the things that happened last year.  Not that the drama of last year was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me, but there were moments of such sincere grief and anger that made me grow impatient for when I would get to move on.  

That being said, I've been having dreams about going back to the hospital recently.  They're very simple--all I do is say good-bye to the people there.  I think that's where I still find room for sadness; I didn't get to say good-bye to the people I had worked with in such close capacity for that year.  But that was almost a year ago now, and I celebrate that I didn't feel the need to write that in the sand.  

Things are looking up for 2008.